Feb 6, 20235 min read

Love Well, Live Well

Love and relationships are a natural part of life, and most of us have been in some type of partnership at one point in our lives. While many relationships are healthy and supportive, many people experience significant relationship issues, unhealthy or toxic relationship patterns and even abuse. In fact, relationship stress and relationship issues can be a primary reason for seeking therapeutic services. Research has indicated positive correlations between strong and healthy relationships with better mental and even physical health. People in healthy relationships tend to have lower stress levels and stronger immune systems. Conversely, toxic or unhealthy relationships can exacerbate mental health issues like anxiety and depression, create additional stress, and even effect a person’s physical wellbeing. Stress and anxiety can increase things like cortisol levels and blood pressure, leading to worse health outcomes. As we approach the month of love, we can learn a little about this correlation, and pursue safe, supportive, functional relationships and live the healthiest version of ourselves.

Unhealthy Relationships

It can be difficult to recognize and identify toxic relationship patterns, particularly from inside the relationship, but important to know the signs. These patterns rarely happen overnight. Instead, they typically develop gradually and over time, and many people do not even realize they are caught in toxic cycles. Sometimes we learn to accept these patterns as normal from growing up in households where they were normalized. Others may develop these behaviors due to trauma responses from previous dysfunctional relationships, while others may be the learned patterns between partnerships. Some common healthy or dysfunctional relationship patterns may include the following:

· Addiction and codependency-Millions of people struggle with substance use every year. Substance use does not only effect those living with the disorder themselves, but also their loved ones. Relationship dynamics where one of more parties are abusing substances can quickly turn unhealthy. Codependency and enabling behaviors do not ultimately work and we cannot control other people’s addictions, no matter how hard we may try. The best thing is to encourage loved ones to seek treatment and set appropriate boundaries.

· Lying and gaslighting-Lying, and its counterpoint, gaslighting (making someone question their reality), are unfortunately common unhealthy patterns we see. People lie for many reasons, but in healthy relationships, we should feel both safe enough to share the truth with our partners and trust enough in our partners that what they say is true.

· Stonewalling-The inability to compromise or communicate. Partnerships require flexibility and adaptability, and lack of either may build resentment.

· Blaming-While it is natural to disagree and argue with our partners, it is not healthy if one partner is blaming the other for all problems within the relationship. Relationships are not one-sided, and it is important to understand our own roles in patterns without defaulting to blaming others. Some people lack self-awareness and maturity and have difficulty understanding their own roles. Therapy can help people better understand some of these patterns.

· Abuse-Abuse is never okay. Abuse can come in many forms, including physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and financial. If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse, please know you are not alone, and help is available. Please see our resource page for additional information.

Healthy Relationships

Some people have been unhealthy relationship patterns for so long that they no longer know what a healthy relationship looks like. So, what are the signs of a healthy relationship? Healthy relationships are built on trust. Trust in the other person, trust in ourselves, trust that the relationship is the best decision for us at that particular time. In a healthy relationship, we should feel loved, supported, respected, heard, and validated. Relationships should feel like a safe place where we can be ourselves. Some healthy relationship patterns include the following:

· Arguing-While we may associate conflict as a negative trait, arguing can be a part of a healthy relationship dynamic-so long as it is done productively and with intent. We are all just human, and disagreements between individuals in close intimate relationships is inevitable. In order to feel safe, we need to be able to feel comfortable expressing our needs. Parties should feel comfortable apologizing when they are wrong, take ownership of mistakes, and a willingness to forgive and work through problems together.

· “I statements”- “I statements” are a way to express one’s own needs, without blaming the other person. “You statements” blame the other person, and usually provoke defensiveness. “I statements” allow the speaker to express their emotions, while still taking ownership of their own emotions. "I statements”- “I statements” are a way to express one’s own needs, without blaming the other person. “You statements” blame the other person, and usually provoke defensiveness. “I statements” allow the speaker to express their emotions, while still taking ownership of their own emotions. “I statements” are a way to express one’s own needs, without blaming the other person. “You statements” blame the other person, and usually provoke defensiveness. “I statements” allow the speaker to express their emotions, while still taking ownership of their own emotions.“I statements”- “I statements” are a way to express one’s own needs, without blaming the other person. “You statements” blame the other person, and usually provoke defensiveness. “I statements” allow the speaker to express their emotions, while still taking ownership of their own emotions.

· Communication Skills- Often, conflict simply arises from poor communication. Oftentimes, we assume our partners can read our minds, or we assume we know what they are thinking without taking the time to listen to them. We can learn to clearly and directly express our needs, eliminate miscommunication, and help keep our partners on the same page.

· Respect-Parties should foster mutual respect for one another’s space, opinions, work, family, friends, and values.

· Healthy coping mechanisms-We can all benefit from learning and practicing healthy coping mechanisms for anger, anxiety, depression. This will help us identify our own emotional needs and learn to be more self-sufficient, so we do not have to depend on our partners for all of our emotional needs.

· Self-Care-We cannot be our best selves for our partners, if we are not taking care of ourselves and our needs first. Remember to take time out for yourself. It is not selfish--it is essential.

· Boundaries and Values-Learn what healthy boundaries look like and how to express them to your partner. Maybe you need space after a fight in order to gather your thoughts. Maybe you need you family dinners each together night. Every relationship looks different, and we all experience life in our own unique way. Through self-reflection, we can identify what is important to us, and learn how to assert our needs to our partners.

· Compromise-We all have our way of doing things, and often we believe it is the best way. Being able to understand and respect our partners’ perspectives can help us reach compromises, which ultimately leads to less friction in the relationship.

· Couple’s Counseling-Having a neutral third party can help both parties better understand their own roles in relationships and how they may be contributing to certain cycles.

· Finally, remember you are ultimately a team--not struggling against each other. We sometimes lose sight of this, particularly in longer-term relationships. A gentle reminder of why we are in the relationship in the first place can help us gain perspective and learn to let the smaller things go.

Relationships are a part of life and through them, we have the potential to grow and learn. Love is the most beautiful part of life, and by loving others, we are able to uncover deep truths about ourselves. Healthy relationships can make us healthier and happier individuals.

We all deserve healthy, safe and fulfilling relationships, and we all have the potential to identify and work through patterns that may be interfering with our relationships. If you are finding yourself in maladaptive or toxic cycles, therapy can be a great place to work on understanding these patterns. Sometimes the best place to start is gaining a deeper understanding of life’s longest and most complex relationship-the one we have with ourselves.